What happened to you was not okay and that may take years to admit. Took me 23.
There’s no formula or 10 step process that will get you the fast pass to healing that we all want. You have an arsenal of weapons ready to be used at the first sight of danger. You live in a room smaller than the the very walls that hold you in; alone but “safe” guarded from any bad or good. Blocking out anything that would try to hurt you yet restricting you from receiving all the things that are meant to bless you; this is your life, has been your life, and we both know you don't want it to be the rest of your life.
Today was the first day that I gave myself permission. The first day that I actually stood up for the scared place within me. The first day that my validation beat my shame in the relay. This journey to healing is a slow burn but releases the most magnificent fragrance. Self-condemnation, to-do lists, standards, and self hatred are quick and sting while producing no lasting fruit; while grace, compassion, self-love, and process are long but sustain for a lifetime. This is the journey that I have committed my life to saying yes to. To let the tears flow instead of looking at my phone. To allow a pause of awkward silence instead of controlling a conversation. To realize that on the other side of letting go is where I have found everything I tried to gain while holding on. You know, they say that trauma will always be friends with coping but less often with healing and I think they’re wrong. You know the feeling; the special ops alert system going off within your pulse, your heartbeat, your nervous system. Everything within you saying run, fight, flight, you are in danger and no one is there to help. I know this all too well so you my friend are not alone. I will say this though, my whole life I was taught that no one else’s arms will be there to hold the load so I must. Get strong, pick up the brick of shame, carry the weight of your childhood, carry the need-to-figure-it-all-out-or-else, pick up other people’s weaknesses and be aware of them at all times, make sure you know who might hurt you, make sure you never ever mess up or else you’ll experience it all over again, lift, get stronger, lift again, don't you dare drop one thing. Trauma, the fueling force of this terrible life commission that convinces you just this: you are unsafe always and it’s your responsibility to change that.
I am here to tell you that while many won’t understand the darkness and pits of despair you have felt thrown in with no way out, I do. I understand and I’m here. You are not broken to no repair. You are not lost, forgotten, or unprotected. What you feel is actually so valid and you are free to feel it all. My journey probably won’t look like yours and yours probably wont look like the next but just know that there is a way out. There is protection. There is safety. There is Hope. Mine came on the other side of surrender. It came with me realizing I was never supposed to learn the lesson of “this is all your responsibility or else you will get hurt”. That I was never meant to go about this life alone. Know that you have a life worth living, a hope worth holding, and a joy worth experiencing. I will leave you with this: the place that you hate the most within yourself is probably the place that is most in need. It’s the constantly anxious, afraid, needing to control, or trying everything it can do to isolate, run, or flee. That my dear friend is the 6 year old that needs protection, the 13 year old who tried to say no but wasn't heard, the 25 year old that is bathing in shame from something you actually didn't deserve. Start there. Start by talking to her, to him, to that little you. Start by responding in compassion rather than annoyance every time you get anxious. Start by listening to that place. By hearing the voice that never got to speak up. Start there for yourself. You are worth it. You wont be here forever. You are on your way to bloom.